Aug 7, 2013

I am A Mother

As I sat in church today (I wrote this on Sunday), I contemplated my last 5 years as a mother.  As I sat there, I was overtaken with joy.  I felt so blessed to have become a mom.  I thought about how it has affected my life and how much I have grown.  No wonder God wants us to pro-create and have families of our own.  The happiness I feel brings me to my knees.  It is a complete joy.  There is nothing in my life that has even come close to touching this kind of joy.


It wasn't always this way for me though.  When I had my first baby, I struggled.  Like really struggled.  Don't get me wrong.  I was in love with her from the moment I first laid eyes on her.  And that love only grows stronger as the days go on.  But in the beginning, I was so OVERWHELMED and ANXIOUS about doing everything right, that I didn't have a lot of time to cherish the moments.  My baby girl cried soooo much and hardly slept.  I cried all the time and hardly slept.  I remember many a days holding my screaming baby, as I just cried with her.  Dr's said she had colic.  Whatever that means!  I remember thinking, "why didn't anyone tell me how hard this was going to be!"  Being a mom IS one of the hardest things I have ever done. 

I'm one of those people that has a hard time with change, sometimes I resist it in the beginning.  Once you become a mom, you have no choice.  You have to give up a lot.  I had NO IDEA how much I would have to give up.  It's been a hard road for me in some ways.  But also, a beautiful journey of growth as well.  I remember looking at other moms around me and wondering how they made it look so easy.  Some moms made it look like they were born to be selfless and giving.  Natural born nurturers.  I never felt like that.  I've always felt like I was more on the selfish side.  I didn't want to give up shopping alone, taking naps, taking showers or even using the bathroom in COMPLETE solitude, eating a meal without trying to shovel it down my throat as fast as I could.  You know...the little pleasures we take for granted before kids (or at least I did!).  For a long time, I resented the fact that I had to give those things up.  I spent too much time focusing on the hard things about motherhood.  Way too much time. 
But as I sat in church today, my heart was filled.  Filled with love for the family I have created, and for the joy that it brings to my soul.  With 5 years of motherhood under my belt, I am finally starting to feel like I am figuring a few things out.....just in time for it all to change as the kids grow! haha.  But seriously, I have finally figured out that I need to slow down, not sweat the small stuff, and most importantly, except my life as a full time nurturer.  Don't get me wrong....I still struggle with putting my own selfish desires on the back burner to serve my children sometimes, but it is getting a lot easier.   Part of my happiness has come from finding joy along the way and accepting my weaknesses, but at the same time, trying to better myself.  I am always trying to figure out how to keep a sparkling clean home, cook meals from scratch for EVERY single meal, grow a garden large enough to sustain our family, be patient and calm with my kids  ALWAYS, get all my DIY projects done, and the list goes on, and on, and on...

Regardless of my weaknesses, I have learned to find a little joy along the way.  I am in no means perfect at this.  I still have my HARD days.  But I'd say that those hard days are being crowded out with more good days, and that's good in my book. 

Overall, I think some women are born with the ability to adapt to change faster than others.  But regardless of this fact, I think most moms come to the realization of accepting the changes that motherhood brings, at one point or another.  I'm just glad it's coming to me and my stubborn self now instead of later! :)  So here is to taking a step back, accepting our imperfections, but still taking time to treasure the good along the way and to embracing all the changes that life brings.


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