Aug 31, 2013

My Angel

Last Saturday, I woke up on the wrong side of the 5:20am on a Saturday morning because that is the way my 3 yr. old rolls!  The Mr. and I take turns getting up with him each and every day!  He's just an early riser.
Anyhow, I had a horrible night of sleep as well because of baby Jax and then not being able to fall back asleep.  I am so CRANKY when I don't get enough sleep.  As I tried to put on a happy face for my children, I could feel myself failing miserably with my short temper and lack of patience.  I did try to be happy.  I played with my children and made them laugh...but in my head I was struggling.
A few hours later, we decided to take a trip to the zoo and have a picnic together as a family.  On the drive there a few tears trickled down my face as I told my husband what a hard day I was having.  He asked what was the matter.  I didn't really have an answer.  I told him that it was probably my hormones, but it seems I am just mad at my situation in where I live and what I have to do all by myself because he is gone an awful lot.  I have been resenting his job and the fact I have to live where I do.  Basically, feeling sorry for myself.  I've noticed that I have been spending a lot more time feeling sorry for myself lately.  I feel like I am constantly trying to fight to stay positive, and that after a good fight, I give in and start feeling sorry, and then the whole thing repeats itself. 
I have learned a few things in my life.  I really do KNOW that happiness does not come from external or material things.  It does not come because of the experiences you've had in your life whether good or bad.  None of that has to control your happiness.  I KNOW my happiness has everything to do with PERSPECTIVE, and how I choose to view my circumstances.  And of course having your hormones in check also helps (every few months I struggle with some of those days it is impossible).
Knowing that perspective is everything, I still struggle with it.  I find myself thinking negatively, and then it ruins my whole day.  Today was one of those days....until......a special man came along.  He was a gift from God.  I know God was trying to speak to me.  I know God was telling me answers to some hard questions I've had in my mind now for a while.  I've become jaded living in this town.  There are a number of reasons for this and I don't want to go into details.  Just know that sometimes I find myself losing hope in the fact that people in general are GOOD.  I see and hear horrible things day after day and it has definitely affected me for the worse. 
So back to my story.  A man, at a little stand selling hand made jewelry, brought tears to my eyes.  I selected a simple $5 butterfly necklace and went to purchase it.  The man stood up and walked around his table to place the necklace in my hand.  "Just keep it", the man said.
"What?", I exclaimed...."oh no, I couldn't, please take my money".
"No, I will not.  I have been blessed", the man replied, "please take it".
Tears welled up in my eyes and gently trickled down my cheeks.  My hubby purchased another necklace for Taylor....because he felt bad that the man was just giving us the first one.
As I walked away, the tears began to pour.  I knew instantly why I was crying.  I knew God was speaking to me.  I knew he was answering a prayer that I have prayed about, for quite some time.  It's very personal, so I won't go into detail.  But I know this man was one of God's angels.  And I know that people are GOOD, I had just forgotten.  But God reminded me. 
I'm so thankful for prayer and the answers we can find through it.  I'm grateful to this man who I will probably never see again.  And he probably has no idea what his kindness meant to me.
My hubby also was very touched by this simple act.  He even mentioned, out loud, mind you, that it was something he needed in his life as well.  This is a BIG deal people!  My man is not a "feelings" kind of guy.  He's not one to sit and talk about any of his feelings.  So that was also another small miracle in my life.
I will not pretend to like it here in this town.  I will not pretend that the schools are good, or that medical care is good!  Because it's not.  I will not pretend that I feel safe when my hubby isn't with me.  Because I don't. 
What I will do, is try to focus on the good.  More than the bad.
 I'm going to keep my butterfly necklace forever. I told my daughter that our necklaces were special, and that when she was older I would tell her about the butterfly.  Right now all she understands is that a nice man gave us a necklace.  But it was so much more than a $5 necklace for me.  I'm NOT a sentimental person....I don't keep much.  But I will keep this forever.  And I will never forget about my little angel.


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